Children, gather round. It’s time to learn our COVID ABC’s. If you don’t pay attention, you’ll die a miserable death and be thrown into a mass, unmarked grave. Yay!
Let’s get started.
A is for arbitrary. Say it with me! A is for arbitrary. Arbitrary rules save lives and show love.
Do you love sports little boys? Good. Remember, though, A is for arbitrary. So, when you wrestle your friend, feel free to trade as much sweat and skin contact with him, so long as it’s within the round. After the match, do NOT shake his hand. He’s probably contagious. And A is for arbitrary.
On the football field, you don’t need to wear a mask, not on the line, not when tackling, not in the huddle, not at all. But, when you’re on the sideline and after the game, you have to wear a mask, or your coach will have to pay some men in suits a lot of money. Because you can only spread COVID on sidelines. And A is for arbitrary.
Never get benched in a basketball game, because, when you do, you’ll have to sit six feet apart from your teammates, except during timeouts, because COVID may get you. And A is for arbitrary.
Marijuana shops, strip clubs, baby killing centers, and hardware stores are essential. Church is not essential. If you started your own business, spending all of your savings to get it going, and depend on it to feed your family and pay the mortgage, your business is not essential. But Gavin Newsom’s winery is essential. Because A is for arbitrary. And Ass-Man.
California COVID starts attacking at 10pm. Virginia COVID only starts at 12am. Both types of COVID stop killing grandmas at 5am. So the states have different curfews. And A is for arbitrary.
Trust Pennsylvania State Secretary of Health Rachel Levine. He is a woman and a health expert. And the letter A is for arbitrary.
We’re in a medical crisis because our death rates are exactly what they would have been anyway. So don’t forget that A is for arbitrary.
And the lockdowns will be 15 days to flatten the curve, or for a year, until a vaccine is out on the market, kind of like the regular flu vaccine, which gets rid of the flu every year.
So, kids, stay inside. Don’t go anywhere except when you do. Don’t touch anyone or anything except when you do. Don’t have fun unless you’re discovering a stripper pole. And Merry Christmas. For 120 minutes. Not 121 minutes. 120 minutes. After that, you can’t do more merriment. Because COVID. Because A is for Arbitrary.
See you next time, kids, when we discover the letter B!