Nothing to be Alarmed By: Let Us Teach Your Child to Masturbate

David Burchard Politics Leave a Comment

In our brave new world full of smirking youths and modest Second Ladies, aren’t you glad there are still bastions of sanity and decency?

Take for example that great government of Scotland, which benevolently controls the country’s education. Nowadays we just can’t leave it to parents to teach their own children about the birds and the bees. We need teachers, trained at our finest educational institutions, to do so.

And do so they shall.

From Scotland’s draft curriculum entitled, “My body now: masturbation”:

“We will learn a bit about erections and wet dreams. Then we will talk about masturbation and what this means for both boys and girls.”

Yes. This may be hard to hear, but it has long been needed. We need those men and women and womyn and folx, already trusted by Scottish taxpayers to indoctrinate their children, to talk to them about masturbation, those most exciting of life developments, wet dreams, and strategies for carrying textbooks low and in front.

As part of Scotland’s cutting edge educational strategies, teachers will use slides to help students understand erections and wet dreams.

When it comes to the topic of masturbation, the government has done well to make sure to include girls. But it seems to still primarily be considering those who fall in a binary view of the world. They can improve by adding instruction for he-she’s and agendered students and unicorns.

“For girls, masturbation means touching or rubbing the clitoris. For boys it means touching or rubbing the penis.

It’s perfectly normal, most people do it.

Sometimes a boy’s penis or a girl’s clitoris get hard and feels tingly. It makes you feel like you want to touch yourself because that can feel good. When you masturbate, you can have an orgasm. Sometimes this is called coming or climaxing, this is the good feeling that spreads over your whole body, it’s about sexual pleasure. Both men and women have orgasms, and men usually ejaculate when they come (semen comes out of the penis).”

Teachers are encouraged to then put the following from the government’s Childline service up on the smartboard.

“Masturbation is not bad or wrong and is completely normal for anyone to do it, no matter what age, gender, sexuality or cultural background they come from. Masturbation is something most people do around the time they reach puberty. Changes in our body start to give us sexual urges and masturbation is a completely normal and safe way to explore those urges.

Masturbation should be a private thing you do, so it’s not really anybody else’s business, but you’re certainly not the only person who does it.

As for how it feels, this is something that only you can really decide for yourself. Both masturbation and sex will feel different for everybody. Some people might like masturbation but not sex – others will like both, or neither. It really is going to be something you will discover when you are ready and in your own time.”

“Masturbation won’t cause any mental or physical harm and even if you masturbate often it will not affect your sex life or cause any problems that other people may have told you about.”

“It’s important to keep checking that you are feeling okay with the amount you are masturbating.”

Of course, after the government teaches these things to your child, teachers can inform parents of what instruction has so generously been imparted to their children.

It shocks me that, in light of such quality educational material provided by the government, that any fair-minded, virtuous citizens of the bonnie land would even dream of homeschooling their children. One can only guess that parents who make such a decision have sinister motivations. Such parents cannot be trusted.

Remember, if you’re mad that the government will train your child to be a jerk-off, you’re a jerk.

#VoteSNP #OneScotland

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *